Disgust

It's not just my imagination that I got a gun to my head. Cause I can feel the cold metal and I can smell the gun powder. I know they got their sights on me and its not just paranoia that makes me think this way. I know they got their plan for me. I know they got a grave for me. They want me to admit defeat. They want me to show my fear they know their system's going to break me. It's crushed countless before me.
I stand here and try to look out into the dark vastness that is my future. Unfortunately I can't see shit. There are clouds and there seems to be layers to the sky. It's all just too unknown. I waste time wanting to know what will happen. How will it end. But I never want to reach that day when I no longer have a need for that curiosity. I don't want to know the end to this "movie".
Shouldn't I be living yet? Shouldn't I know where I'm headed by now I have millions of dreams and things I want to do with this life. But I barely have time to do the little I do now. It's not satisfaction I get relaxing at the end of the day. It's escape from the stress. Disgust that I'm already in bed waiting to go to sleep again. Wasn't I just heere? Didn't this just happen? I can't say I know what will happen tomorrow. The higher meaning that I'm looking for did not show itself today.