Please note that the Russian stuff in the song was left out here
since I don't have that character set handy.

She said, "It's not drug abuse,
They're diet pills," was her excuse
Nobody wants a woman with a big caboose."
(You must forgive your mom)
She cleaned the house in half an hour
Mildew didn't have a chance in the shower
My mom was always higher than the ol' Sears tower
(Responsibility that sickens your heart)
My mom was no fat broad

She tied the tubing for a bulging vein
Hit that mainer then she sped away
Like the white tornado of Avenue A
(Your mother was very unhappy)
My mom was no fat broad
OOmpah Doompah Doompah Doompadee doo
Fear of bulbous rollin round lookin like Augustus Gloop
It's the runway model vogue
That made my momma swallow you
Momma's little helpers got her mind crazy singin' the blues

She kept her stash on top of the fridge
I tried to flush it down the toilet one time
I was six
I still remember the fit that she pitched
My mom was not fat...she was nuts.

They took the gurney down the stairs and the policeman said
That I could ride with him in his front seat
He said, "My little man, your mom is at peace."

My mom was no fat broad

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