Guinness

i wrote a letter to the guinness book of records
including a list
of records which ought to exist
most mediocre and emptiest life,
least likely to find a wife
sounds kind of lonely, but it's alright,
watching 'south park' on a Saturday night

but sirs, there's more
i'm the worlds biggest bore
simply no chance, i'm even hated in france
fewest ambitions and poorest health
most time spent muttering to one's self
sounds pathetic, it's not so bad,
since i gave up on feeling glad

(Sting, Andy Summers, Stewart Copeland)

so they put me in on my own reports
i've garnered a certain stature of sorts
hanging around the loudest sneeze (Greg Stewart),
and a girl with a 12 pound beard of bees
looking around, i got it made.
i break my own records everyday
i'm so great