The Nature Of Empirical Truth

I've got friends
I've got friends, yeah
I've got friends who can touch their toes
Green grasshoppers have red assholes
And pricks like to look down their nose

Jimmy Hoffa didn't just disappear
You never drink liquor after you drink beer
Midgets have nothing to fear

If your standards are low getting laid ain't hard
You won't find tacos or cats on Mars
And lemon's the worst Rancher by far

I know burgers are good with fries and bats are as they should be
Leathery wings that ride the air like Rock Hudson rode Fred Astaire
Dogs are smart but not like pigs
Old folks can taste sweet as figs
Secrets of this pretty world that we can't know are like a pearl
They begin as small as sand and also they are found in clams

Velcro's better than lace up shoes
It's better than a zipper on a jacket too
There's nothing that Velcro can't do
Ten blondes don't equal one hot brunette
If you gotta go fast you better take a jet
Birds make the worst kind of pets

I know burgers are good with fries and bats are as they should be
Leathery wings that ride the air like Rock Hudson rode Fred Astaire
Dogs are smart but not like pigs
Old folks can taste sweet as figs