Practicing your absence

They told us dreams come true
We forgot nightmares are dreams too

I learned your heartbeat like a song I can't forget
Now I'm scared of what comes after your last breath
So I keep practicing goodbye like it's a cure
But every goodbye makes the ending feel more sure

I smile in front of people like I'm built to be okay
Then I go home with silence and it calls me by my name
I'm trying to get ahead of it, trying not to lose my mind
'Cause grief don't knock it just arrives on time

I'm practicing your absence
I'm practicing your absence
So when you vanish I don't break
But I break

I'm practicing your absence
Over and over again
If I lose you in my head enough times
Will it hurt less?

I touched your final heartbeat, felt it flicker, then go still
I waited for the world to change it never will
The wind kept moving, traffic kept its pace
Like nothing happened, like it didn't take your place

The days stayed cruel and normal, the light stayed on the same
No warning in the sky, no mercy in my veins
The only thing that changed was the everyday I wore
Now it doesn't fit my body like it did before

I'm practicing your absence
I'm practicing your absence
So when you vanish I don't break
But I break

If I lose you in my head enough times
Will it hurt less?
If I lose you in my head enough times
Will it hurt less?

Toys left in the corner, untouched like a prayer
Extra sheets on the bed, like you're still there
And I hate how the world stays clean and free
Like your leaving didn't rearrange me

I'm practicing your absence
I'm practicing your absence
I tried to make a home for the hurt
Now the hurt lives in my chest

I'm practicing your absence
Over and over again
If I lose you in my head enough times
Will it hurt less?
Will it hurt less?

Dreams come true, nightmares too
Is my pain your freedom?
Is all of my pain your freedom?