Your Horoscope For Today

Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tongue
Freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
By your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
The rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your driver's test

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable
Or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative position of the planets
And the stars could have a special deep significance
Or meaning that exclusively applies to only you

But let me give you my assurance
That these forecasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence
So you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize
That every single one of them is absolutely true
Where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner
For someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine
Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip
When you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem
You stupid freak

Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back
(Kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
You've got hanging in your den

Capricorn!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay

That's your horoscope for today