Hurting Myself

Just because I survived
Doesn't make me stronger
I don't feel like a survivor
I feel like Frankenstein's monster

Artificially alive
With shackles stapled to my ankles
Carrying weights that aren’t mine
With a body torn and tangled

I am still alive, just like a cockroach
Hiding underneath your sink
I survived but not on purpose
And what do I have to show for it?

A repertoire of sorry songs
And calloused fingers playing chords
I write and write with no prevail

I have a backpack full of rocks, but all the rocks build up in time
And whilst I know they're mine to carry, they were never really mine
I have to bear your heavy burden, have to bear it and survive
But, God, I can’t keep pushing rocks up hills when they keep rolling down

So I'm staying in my dirt hole
Like an ostrich saving face
Leave my tossed out dirty clothes around
Like a makeshift bed

And if I curl up in the corner
To cry until I sleep
That’ll be another question
I’ll avoid and then repeat

Not saving myself for anyone
I'm saving you from me
'Cause I'm as toxic as a wasteland
And as awful as can be

I'm like candy good in portions
But I'll carve holes in your teeth
And I'll smother all your organs
Till you grow tired of me

I have a chain that jinge jangles all the way home to my bed
And if my body's scarred and mangled, that means I'm making progress
I know moving on will hurt and holy fuck, it hurts like hell
But, God, I can’t push rocks up hills without hurting myself