Akathisia

I'm unhappy in everyone's arms
And too restless to keep in your heart
Just try holding me down
And I'll writhe while I drown
Come to life, disassemble you
Hide all the parts

I relearn how to act from my core
And what human affection is for
You might say that I've changed
That I've been rearranged to survive
Like the last ones I sent out the door

I go hungry at every feast
When you're sick, there is nothing to eat
Pushing beautiful friendships around on my plate
All I want is to taste what it's like to have peace

On the outside I'm shy and I'm tame
On the inside is desperate rage
For the doctors who used me
The ones who've abused me
We're toxic, excuse me
Done shitty things to me
I sit and I cry and I hate
And go looking for love in expressionless faces

I swear that I'm trying to heal
But sometimes I don't see the appeal
Of the stitches and aloe
The sting of the salt
As I'm facing that most of what hurts is my fault
I'm still shaking my fist at the sky
Should I stop all my crying and start asking why

I've been treading the water so deep
20 years without any relief
Fire falls from the sky
Hell above, hell below
If I stop clinging to life
Then I've let myself go
I keep losing
Some part of me knows
As I'm lurching in circles
And fighting invisible foes

I hope death is like falling asleep
With The Wizard of Oz on repeat
And my family talking to me on the phone
And I'm clicking my heels 'cause there's no place like home
But I've still got some time left, it seems
'Cause I keep waking up when I die in my dreams

I'm unhappy in everyone's arms
But I'm trying to give you my heart
I'm no snowfall
But maybe the rain on the street
Not your sunshine
But maybe a glowing TV
Could you hold me as I fall asleep?
If I wince at your touch, dear
Please don't be alarmed
'Cause I'm trying
To get comfortable in your arms