Bigger

Hi, uh, I'm Neil
I wouldn't be here if someone else hadn't passed on hosting, so special thanks to Shia LaBeouf for this opportunity

I can break your heart
With a work of art
And a song that's quiet and small
But we're back where we began it all
Radio City Music Hall

So tonight
We might go bigger
That's right, it's bigger
It's Broadway's greatest night and we're raring to go
Let's make it bigger, tonight it's bigger
Who will take home a Tony statue we don't know
I guarantee a truly legendary show

The season's new recruits include the cast of Kinky Boots
You know they're beautiful and buff as Navy SEALs
And you can bounce a quarter off the ass of Billy Porter
Lord, he does eight shows a week in eight inch heels

Hats off to Berry Gordy, he runs Motown like a boss
He dominates Top 40 and he banged Diana Ross
He wrote his own libretto, which is really kind of ballin'
He took every Motown classic and he said: I'll put em all in

And make it bigger, that's right it's bigger
I just learned this dance like half an hour ago
We're going bigger, like so much bigger
You ever seen so many divas in a row? (Hell no)
Well, stick with me cause your MC's a seasoned pro (go, Neil, go)

It's Pippin, never flippin', always slippin'
And he's pinin' for his corner of the sky
But the sky is overcrowded with this oh so highly touted
Cast of singing circus people flying by

The cast of Bring It On had, count 'em, thirty-two debuts
Hey, kids, welcome to Broadway, forget your Union dues
In tandem like we planned 'em, forgive me if it's random
But Mike Tyson had a one man show, let's give the man a hand

And make things bigger (it's bigger) that's right it's bigger
I'm here with Iron Mike, he's a heavyweight, yo
We're going bigger, the night is bigger
We've got cheerleaders, contortionists and so
You go to a sports bar, change the channel to our show (go, Neil, go)

The magical Matildas stole the show and nearly killed us
So they got a special Tony of their own
This strikes at the achilles of the jaded former Billys
They get Tonys but they're fired when the're grown

Now here's the kids from Christmas Story, Annie, and her orphans
So many child actors high on Red Bull and endorphins
They barely come up to your knees, but God they're singing like MVPs
And they're the reason this whole season seems to look like Chuck E, cheese

And geez it's bigger, that's right it's bigger
Is there a Tony day care where all of you go?
You're getting bigger, the night is bigger
Do your parents set aside your Broadway dough? (Heck, no)
When I played Doogie-, never mind, on with the show (go, Neil, go)

Oh, Broadway's where famous people go
But being famous doesn't mean that you will get a good review
So, Alec write Ben Brantley if you want, that's entertaining too

We've got magic to do

Bigger, that's right it's bigger
I'm walking down the aisle with some Newsies in tow
You know it's bigger, so much bigger
If there's a Newsie you prefer, please let me know
You'll get a Newsie in your gift bag when you go

That's true, there's like 150 of those punks
Oh wait, check this out
Can I have my Tom Hooper Les Mis close-up, please?
See, on Broadway we don't need extreme close-ups to prove we're singing live
We sing live eight shows a week, check it

At the end of the day we are gathered together to honor the best and the brightest
And the tomorrow the fashion police will report on your dress and who wore it the tightest
If you win have the time of your life, tell your manager, your Dad, and your Mom thanks
Hi to you kids and your husband or wife, maybe just for the hell of it, Tom Hanks

Nothing is bigger and better than seeing a veteran get an ovation
Or seeing a brilliant beginner freak out on a win on their first nomination
There's a kid in the middle of nowhere who's sitting there living for Tony performances
Singing and flipping along with the Pippins and Wickeds and Kinkys, Matildas and Mormonses

So we might reassure that kid
And do something to spur that kid
'Cause I promise you all of us up here tonight
We were that kid

And now we're bigger, tonight it's bigger
So let's create the biggest spectacle we know

Come see the super sexy Cinderellas sisters celebrating
Ladies, grab a fella, the tempo is accelerating
Spidey, Pippin, Motown, Phantom, Kinky, Rock Of Ages
Chicago, Bring It On, A Christmas Story sharing stages
Mamma Mia, Lion King, the Jersey Boys are tappin'

Kathy Lee's a Broadway lyricist, so anything can happen

Bigger, New York is Bigger
So welcome to our bigger, better, best of Broadway Tony show